It’s been how long? The Royals’ take on a year of Coronavirus

A year ago we set The Royals a task to creatively respond to coronavirus. Exactly 12 months on, we’ve set a new Royals challenge — respond to the statement “coronavirus is now like … ‘. Here’s what we came up with.

Ken Sum

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Coronavirus is now like…

Nervous as … it ain’t over yet.

- James from Finance

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In one COVID-19 year I’ve…

  1. Spent 23 hours on the phone to Telstra being a crazy Karen.
  2. Gone through 200 rolls of toilet paper (don’t worry, I live with 5 others.
  3. Played over 100 games of Catan before landing on the winning strategy (no wheat = defeat).
  4. Spent 252 of the 356 days talking to my creative partner (on ya, Iz).
  5. Mapped out many imaginary holidays, including 1 to space.
  6. Formed an unhealthy obsession with McFlurries (Oreo + M&m + caramel sauce = the shiz).
  7. Had many epiphanies, like that 1.5 metres is the equivalent to the length of my body, minus my head.
  8. Scrolled through 100km of pointless but equally amusing TikTok vids.
  9. Walked every street in Parkville.
  10. Spent 1 too many Saturdays nights at home, on the couch, rewatching the The Twilight Saga (which has aged just as well as you would think).
  11. Listened to an embarrassing amount of the ‘Comments by Celebs’ podcast.
  12. Angrily muttered ‘how the f*#@ do I get out of here’ each time I visited IKEA.
  13. Successfully attended several meetings in my pink fluffy onesie.
  14. Discovered that ROSES (the Imanbek Remix obvs) was my no.1 Spotify track (#noregreats it’s a banger).
  15. Finally embraced Crocs as a wardrobe staple (it’s only taken me 25 years).
  16. Had several meaningful exchanges with Schapelle Corby over Insta DMs.
  17. Proudly raised a Sourdough starter.
  18. Visited far-flung locations via Google Street View.
  19. Unexpectedly achieved a whole lot of random stuff.

Madalene Catanese

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Coronavirus is now like…

Your little brother when you were growing up. He can be really frustrating at times but unfortunately he isn’t going anywhere soon so you need to find a better way to live with him.

Andrew Siwka

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- Kristy Camarillo

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Coronavirus is now like…

The reminder we needed that:

Dance-floors can happen anywhere.
There’s no substitute for a hug.
We smile with our eyes.
Wine is both divine and human.
There’s nothing like dinner with friends.
Nothing in a supermarket is worth a fight.
Culture counts; money not so much.
We need each other.

Steve O’Farrell

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Coronavirus is now like …

That internal dialogue after a killer hangover. I can do this. It’ll be fine. Just don’t move too fast. Or make too much noise. Go gently. But what just happened? How did I get here? Did I do something I’ll regret forever? Say the wrong thing again. I’ll be better. I promise. But I’ve promised that before — it was for another reason but the same promise. But I do feel better already, somehow. This time it will be different. I’ll be different.

David Rood

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In the calm of the COVID

Step out your front door into the sunshine
slash once in a generation floods
Swim in the ocean, climb a mountain
Then go back inside
Throw a huuuuuuge house party
Drink all the light beers you can
Celebrate all the things you couldn’t last year
Birthdays, engagements and Christmases in Julys

Go to a music gig, maybe a festival?
Complain immediately about your lack of personal space
Question why that person isn’t wearing a mask
I mean, who do they think they are?
Wish you were back in lockdown again
In your bed. Binge watching the Sopranos

Plan an interstate holiday
Have the holiday cancelled
Reschedule the holiday
Reschedule the holiday again
Think, what about an overseas holiday?
Camp in your own backyard instead

Hi, how are you? Do we…
Awkwardly elbow? err umm, handshake?
Err, maybe fist bump? Can we do that?
Hug everyone you meet
Tell them you missed them
Lick their face
Wait

Hate working from home
Wish you were back in the office
Get back in the office
No one’s in the office
Vibe killer
Hate being in the office
Love working from home

Do the social sports again
Tennis, soccer, footy, tai chi
Screw staying at home to save lives
Murder your opponents on the field
Play lawn bowls
without thinking you’re going to wipe out the entire 70–80yo age bracket of Australia
Run and jump and kick and pat your teammates on the bum

Question the logic of COVID safe policies incessantly
So, you’re telling me we can have 70,000 at the MCG
but I have to sit on my ass at a nightclub?
I want to shake my ass!
At least you’re now an expert at knowing everything that’s 1.5 metres
A cricket bat, an adult kangaroo, a Danny Devito

Love our new standards of hygiene
Believe you’re never going to get a cold again
Get sick
Think it’s COVID
Panic
Get a cotton bud shoved into your brain via your nose
Relax

Reflect on everything you planned to do in the heat of COVID lockdown
Who cares if you did them or didn’t
You’re here now

Get out there kiddo.

Lee Spencer

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Andrew Reeves
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